I don’t’ know if anyone else will understand the following, or relate to it; at the very least it illustrates prayer battles I’ve encountered, and as such I’m posting it here for any merit it may possess of its own. It’s more candid, perhaps, than of inspirational value.
I don’t know what the goal is anymore,
I make some progress personally but seldom if ever accomplish anything of value.
I don’t know what the point of and basis of prayer is for me,
Half the time I’m cussing or cursing you and the next time I’m sweet talking you,
Hoping to get some level of favor from you.
On what basis am I supposed to pray?
In the day to day, there are some good things, some bad things,
Encouraging things happen and discouraging things happen,
There are victories and there are setbacks.
This (life) should be about you and what you would have,
But so often it’s about me,
I can’t’ get my eyes off myself, my concerns,
My this, my that.
It all seems like a double whammy.
If it’s all for your glory how am I to glorify you?
Certainly not in accomplishment: My track record isn’t all that great,
My life seems heavier on the failing side than the succeeding side.
But no matter, at least I can exist to glorify you if nothing else
But what’s left that can glorify?
That’s the dilemma.
A couple of days later the following came to me:
I think I found a solution to my prayer battles expressed in the muddled prayer of the other day, which at its core expresses my lack at finding at times a measure of ‘solid ground’ upon which I can continually pray and approach the Lord confidently, without it seeming a pointless endeavor. And in this I believe I have been greatly influenced by my reading of the Old Testament. The solution that came to me this morning is; just as Old Testament worship involved a daily sacrifice, a daily giving to and remembrance of and worship of God, so my prayer time, regardless of personal feelings or lack thereof, can be my ‘daily sacrifice’ unto the Lord. In effect, I need to say at times, ‘though I may (or may not) be directionless, think praying perhaps pointless, be with or without feelings, still, I dedicate this time, this act, this time of prayer to you.”