I can’t remember when I’ve ended up so utterly weary and exhausted, to the point that I literally had to force myself to do anything further, even though I was able to take a short nap and extended lie down just before dinner, which refreshed me somewhat. I think this exhaustion stems from a combination of the following: pushing myself a lot these last several days trying to get ready for a trip, my not getting enough sleep in general lately, the physical toll of the day’s strenuous work and exposure to the sun, weariness stemming from a lot of extra preparatory work and study towards some college entrance exams, the added stress of opposing deadlines to meet.
After dinner, I had planned to continue with prep for college assessment tests, hoping to take an exam tomorrow, which was the final deadline to write this particular one, but I just couldn’t muster the energy and stamina to do so; instead I just had to stop and pray: The following is my experience.
I was so weary, mentally, physically and spiritually that I just didn’t know what to read, study or do, so I just ended up not doing anything save praying. I sat in my reading chair; my restored upholstered antique Morris rocker, with a cup of green tea in my hand and just tried my best to look up to the Lord and as I did so I was led to pray in a somewhat new and different manner than I ever have. I was inspired to ask the Lord to simply be ‘present’ to my weariness, my aches, my pains, my inabilities and it was almost strangely strengthening just to do so.
I didn’t ask for specifics of what the Lord should do, I just asked Him to be understanding and to be ‘present’ to all I was going through and felt. I experienced that He was indeed present and ministering in ways that only He knew or could understand: I sensed it all spiritually. I didn’t experience any big spiritual bells or whistles, no words or messages were received, just the simple assurance of His presence, of Him being present to me and ministering to my needs.
As I write this I still don’t feel completely refreshed, far from it, I still feel rather weak, tired, and weary but what I know is that He is working and renewing and is present to me. I was reminded in all of this of Terstegeen’s beautiful words that highlight such reality:
The Words are sweet that tell thy love,
The Love itself Thou art.
More from Gerhard Tersteegen:
(3 stanzas from the poem The Sabbath Year from which these lines are taken)
There lie my books—for all I sought
My heart possesses now.
The words are sweet that tell Thy love,
The love itself art Thou.
One line I read—and then no more—
I close the book to see
No more the symbol and the sign,
But Christ revealed to me.
And thus my worship is, delight—
My work, to see His Face,
With folded hands and silent lips
Within His Holy place.
The Wayfaring Stranger 